And breathe……simple hacks to help your client be less anxious in mediation (and maybe you too….)

By Liz Rivers, Workplace mediator and Leadership Coach

I’ve always been a worrier - some of us are just wired that way.  As a young litigation lawyer I’d frequently wake up with a start in the night – Have I missed a deadline?  Did I give the right advice to that tricky client?  My “monkey mind” gave me little peace.

Leaving private practice to set up as a mediator gave me some respite. Rather than the ongoing stress of managing multiple cases running over years, with infinite opportunities to drop a ball (or worse), a mediation could be wrapped up in a couple of weeks – and I couldn’t be sued for negligence.

Nevertheless, I still found things to worry about. Was I assertive enough? Did my mediations take too long? Was I too hard on people when trying to pin down an agreement?  Something had to change.

So I took myself off to a Buddhist monastery in the Scottish Borders to study with Californian Wendy Palmer, author of Leadership Embodiment: How the Way We Sit and Stand can Change the Way we Think and Speak. A black belt in aikido, Wendy was curious to see if she could translate her skills to help executives in Silicon Valley be better leaders - without them needing to spend years in a dojo.  She developed the Leadership Embodiment system – an elegant technique using breath, posture and intention to calm the nervous system and enhance our “presence” with others.

It was quietly life-changing. I learnt how to “centre” myself, and when I practised this regularly throughout the mediation day, I found that everything flowed better: I felt calmer and more resourceful, the participants were more relaxed, there was just more ease and less stress. If I forgot to do it, I quickly noticed the negative effects - the process just felt much harder and stickier.

At its simplest, the basic technique is as follows:

• Uncross your arms and legs and sit up straight. Feel your feet on the ground.

• Take your attention to your breath and observe it going in and out.

• Breathe in and imagine your breath going up your spine - feel yourself grow a little taller.

• Breathe out and imagine your breath going down the front of your body like a waterfall. Allow your heart area to soften and think of someone who makes you smile.

• Stretch out your arms and wiggle your fingers; look around you at the space you’re in.

• Once again, feel your feet on the ground.

There is proper science behind the method. When we’re anxious our bodies become flooded with cortisol. This is good for an urgent response in a crisis, but it makes it harder to think creatively and take in new information, and we’re more likely to see everything and everyone as a threat. In the long term it’s an exhausting way to live.

By sitting upright, lengthening your spine, breathing more deeply and deliberately and stretching your muscles, you release more testosterone, which helps you to feel more confident, decisive and able to face your fears.

By having a long deliberate exhale and softening your chest area, you create more oxytocin. This is the bonding and connection hormone which helps you feel more connected with others, able to take in support and to feel compassionate.

Whether you’re a litigation lawyer or HR professional, to truly support your clients and colleagues it’s no longer enough just to be technically skilled. You also have to be able to help them manage their emotions and be a positive presence for them.  Learning some quick techniques to calm yourself – and even share with others - might just be the best investment you ever make. Your clients and colleagues will thank you for it.

Liz specialises exclusively in workplace conflicts – working with founders, boards and team members to get key working relationships back on track.  Her background includes law, psychotherapy, embodiment practices and leadership coaching. You can find out more about Liz and her mediation practice here, and about her work with women leaders here and her coaching here.